A Human Experience
Have you heard the saying, "You're not a human-being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual-being having a human experience"? For some reason this phrase has played over and over in my mind these past few days and today I realized its because I can totally relate right now. I'm currently having a VERY human experience and I'm kind of over it all.
Let me explain.
For several months I've poured my heart and soul into a few things in my life. I prayed, I fasted, I prayed some more, I even invited others to pray. Some things I was praying for were personal to me, other things were specific to people in my life. I felt confident, I had faith, I felt love, I knew these items would work themselves out. I had a plan!
Thus far, nothing has worked out. . .at least how I had planned.
On Friday it all came crashing down on me emotionally as some big prayers and fasting moments passed and the answers I was seeking, faithfully trusted in, weren't answered. I was devastated. My family was effected. It felt as if all the oxygen in the room dissipated at once and there was nothing left. I didn't understand. I pleaded for answers, I was on my knees asking the question Why? I truly didn't understand when I felt so prepared for what was to come. I wanted time to stand still, to rewind so we could try again, knowing that wasn't possible. Saturday morning arrived and I was up before the sun. Lying in bed as I continued my pleas from the night before to help me understand. I needed to know why I felt alone, why my prayers weren't answered, and all the questions I've been silently asking for help with over the last several months are still unanswered. Nothing came but more tears. Tears are easy to hide in the shower, so that's where I went.
And so continued my human experience. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I didn't want to hear any rational answers from anyone. I wanted to scream at the universe. I wanted to give up. I started to question everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. This weekend wasn't just one instance, but a string of instances that piled higher, each one heavier than the last, until it finally became too much to bare and the emotional dam broke.
My husband tried to talk with me, but I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. I had simple, small whisperings in my heart, but I didn't want to hear those either. I had an excuse as to why everything said was invalid, why nothing made sense. I didn't want to hear it. I was done. I was a child throwing a fit. I was being human. And like a small child, reasoning with me while I'm crying and emotionally hurt, was fruitless. Nothing anyone said would fix the problem. Everything said was just another thing for me to be upset about. It was a hopeless battle and everyone, including myself, was on the losing end. However, rather than try to reason with me, my husband, and my Savior, loved me through it. Love me without words, but loved me just the same.
And that's when things changed, even just a little.
I realized it was okay for me to have a moment. We all have moments. We all NEED those moments from time to time to let out our stress, to cry and scream at the sky. Sometimes we even need to question ourselves. We need to have those moments to remember what we do have and have a chance to look back to appreciate what we do have. It isn't about those moments when we are at our lowest and weakest points. What define us is how we handle those moments, what we learn, how we take those questions, and listen for answers no matter what the outcome.
I reluctantly went along with my day, sick to my stomach, sporting a headache, and full of worry, but I went. I put on a smile that eventually became genuine. My headache lessened, even if it didn't disappear fully. I was able to eat, even if it wasn't a full meal. But I went. And things changed.
As spiritual beings here on this earth we want life to be perfect, to match up with what we see on TV and social media. We expect that if we have faith, prayer, and fasting, we will have all the answers we will ever need or want. While this principle is true, our prayers ARE always answered, the timing is not our own and the answer isn't always what we pray for. And that, my friends, is this HUMAN EXPERIENCE I'm having. This is what I'm learning to work through this weekend. I can't say I'm doing a fabulous job, but I'm doing it and that's all that matters.
My worries haven't disappeared and those questions still have yet to be answered. However, today is lighter than it was yesterday and hope is still there. I can't say when I will feel life is resolved, I can't say how it will all work out, but I know it will and everything will be okay. So if you find yourself having this human experience thing, hang in there! You're not alone. You're human. You're normal. You will be okay!